Do not open until Christmas

Christmas is upon us and so are the holiday highlights of the WTF?! crowd. Take this winner... I mean victim for example. Exactly how does this work? She let her kids play near the gas tank when she kicked them outside so she could watch her stories in peace? I bet she gave them some matches and opened the gas door hoping New Year's Eve fireworks would come early this year.

To bad the "To:" and "From:" aren't filled out. That way Santa would know who's house to skip (again) this year.New

Throw a dog a bone

Someone explain this to me. Are they drowning? Out for a swim? Doggie paddling? If you need to break out the crayons and construction paper, I'll wait. All I can figure out on my own is that it's a cupcake cake (which is the devil) and the dogs are actually keychains. Other than that, I'm lost.

Thanks in advance for your help! As a reward, I'll give you the pick of the litter.

Never too early to start Christmas shopping

60% of the time it works *every* time

It's ... It's... like a generic version of Sex Panther on clearance at Wal-Mart. Plus it looks like it's been around that gigolo block a time or three. I am willing to bet money this stuff was outlawed in 1982 because of serious side effects such as: abnormal chest hair growth, delusional thought of being able to eat everything in sight and not gain a pound, yellow finger/toe nails, innie belly button becomes an outtie, and the urge to wear Crocs shoes.

No doubt this stuff also smells like diesel fuel mixed with burnt hair, but the box claims the "sole purpose is to attract women. At will. More than usual." HOW can any man go wrong with a promise like that?! I'm not sure how long this will last, guys, better get to your local Wal-Mart and ask for this sex in a bottle by name. You can thank me later. *growl*

Nothing to see here people

Sure there isn't. Not one thing to see. It's normal to walk by a truck in a Wal-Mart parking lot and see a male mannequin in the bed along with the other junk they are collecting.



Makes me wish I could see the crap they don't carry around with them. Maybe they are trying out to be on A&E's "Hoarders".

Moar personalized plates

Oh how I adore thee, personalized plates. You never cease to amaze me with what people think is okay to have on the back of their car as a representation of themselves. Take this one, for instance. Exactly what in the hell does that mean?

You went to the University of Louisiana and graduated with a BEE average?

Congrats, to you Lexus driver. You stumped me. I assure you it won't happen again.

Shotgun!

I don't think the proper words to describe this post have been invented yet. The fact the person driving that vehicle had the idea to have the Marlboro man outline put on her (yes, a woman) window is one thing; to follow through on that idea is something else entirely. Was she simply advertising to the entire world that she has a serious crush on the cigarette icon or just wanted to hopefully get away with riding in the HOV lane with only one person int he car... the world may never know.

This is a beauty pagent and I am judging

Why would anyone want to do this? Just because you drive a Firebird doesn't mean you strip it of what little dignity it has by putting a damn Firebird decal on the hood. If someone drove a GTO would they have to have a Goat decal put on the hood to balance it out? I think not.

The fact this is so beyond stereotypical made me stop in the middle of a parking lot, back up and snap a picture. I wasn't able to see the other side of the car but I'm pretty sure there's a few dozen spit cups, a dog hanging out the window and a child chained to the muffler. Wait, no, the owner obviously loves that car so they wouldn't damage it. Maybe the dog is chained to the child. That would make more sense.

Optical Illusion

It's like a Magic Eye... stare at it and let me know what you see.

Twin Towers? Or Triple Towers?
Sparklers?
Jolly Green Giant birthday candles?

Ponder and get back to me because I'm still seeing a little of everything.

This is who I'm calling...

When I need a cake decorated I am giving these people a buzz. Not only do the pictures speak a thousand words but it's a pink van! PINK!




I'm going to especially want a unicorn cake. I mean, c'mon. Who doesn't want a unicorn cake?!


So lifelike... so realistic... It would be such a shame to cut into that work of art. The next best thing is to put it on the side of the pink van and let everyone know how good you are at decorating unicorns. Brings a tear to my eye.

*tear*

How I love personalized plates

They seem to always be open to interpretation. I want to know what goes through someone's mind when they are filling out the forms for these personalized plates. Plus who tells them that it is a good idea? I want to either shake their hand or smack them in the face. Case in point:


Then again, do you want to know why he is driving a truck with "Mater-X" as the plate? Makes you wonder, doesn't it...

What are you trying to say?

Why dear, how did you know I wanted this cake for Valentine's Day! It's perfect! Wait... what does it say? You love who? WHO IS YUO?! HUH! You lying sack of s#!t! We are through!

Lord I love my local Kroger. Apparently nobody found this as humorous as I did as here it is a few days later.


Poor guy was just looking for a good home and someone to nom nom nom with. *tear*

Lonely panda seeks partner

At what age is it considered a fashion no-no to carry a panda backpack? In public, that is. Discuss amongst yourself and report back to me.

As a side note, it looks like this... person (?)... has their wrists strapped to their thighs. I hate when wrists and hands develop a mind of their own and walk off.

Thanks to Mrs. Jones for this!

Maaaaavalous

Meet my new fashion guru. I seriously want to be like her when I'm old, mental and wet myself in public.

On a side note: this diva felt it was necessary to tell the 70+ year old man cashier that she was using a Wal-Mart gift card that her grand kids got her because they didn't know what else to get her when she made it CRYSTAL clear on her list of items she wanted for Christmas. (Yes, she said it just like that.)

Weeeee wooon't huuuurt yoooouuuu

Holy shit, Batman! How can a baker honestly think this would coax someone into buying it?! It looks like it is going to sprout arms and legs so it can run after me and gnaw my ankles off. *shivers* I'm good but I'd rather chew on tree bark, thanks.

Totally natural

Oh no honey, I have always though of fuchsia and eggplant (with roots) hair as "natural". Really natural. I don't want to stop and start at all. Or stalk you through a Sephora store during the busy holiday season, have management of the store watch me because I look fucking suspect, just to snap a picture. Hell no. I wouldn't do that. Just one question... do the drapes match the carpet?

Nice body work

I see why this driver opted to use a zip tie to fix his bumper. I mean, it is a small, easy way to hold that shit to your car. I do have a few questions though... 1) What in the F&*K are you thinking?! 2) Wouldn't bailing string or a wire hanger work better? 3) Why would you puncture a whole in your bumper in order to secure loop the zip tie through?! I sure this driver hasn't reproduced. I don't need another one of these oh so thoughtful drivers on the road next to me. Their hub caps might or blinker lights might fly off because the duct tape or chewing gum didn't hold.

Too much at once

I can barely dress myself in the mornings so maybe that is why I don't understand this outfit. Baby doll dress with long sleeve shirt, sweat pants and uggs. Let's ignore the fact I can't stand those boots but to have sweats tucked in just takes it to a whole new level. What was she going for, anyone? Don't worry. I'll wait.

Please notice that she is searching the shirt shelves at Wal-Mart. She might be shopping for more options. Let's keep our fingers crossed that she makes a return appearance.

No seconds for me, thanks

How would you react if you uncovered your eyes on your birthday to see one of these cakes? It looks like someone used them during a recent oil change. Seriously, it doesn't even look edible. How about you spend your hard earned money one those oil stains and let me know.

So good and so good for you

The thought of pancake and waffle mix out of a squeezy cheese can makes me want to vomit. How would you explain that to your children? "Open wide, honey! I'm going to squeeze this into your mouth and you just hum hot air and let that cook. Once it's cooked we can add butter and syrup. Yum!"

That's not going to lead them to a life of diabetes at all.